Essay: How To Succeed In Music Without Really Trying

“How To Succeed In Music Without Really Trying”

There’s always a generic “uplifting clumsy best friend” character in popular romantic comedies. If you don’t know her, she’s the sidekick to the uptight and logical, yet socially oblivious woman in the role of the protagonist (paging Katherine Heigl). Said clumsy best friend’s sole responsibility in these films is to remind the main character not to “lower her expectations for a man”. My burning question is this: Where is the clumsy best friend to an entire generation of music fans? I’ve got a few minutes to kill here, so lets lay down some lessons in love, sister. You seem like lately you’ve been desperate for any band that comes along, but you’re better than that. He doesn’t care about you like The Who used to.  Continue reading

Playlist: “Christmas Music For People Who Hate Christmas Music”

Listen, whoever started that whole B101 bullshit needs to be sterilized. Christmas music just isn’t good. If you’re not Chuck Berry or The Kinks, chances are you aren’t doing it right at all. Every Christmas song you hear on the radio or your mother’s “Holiday Compilation” CD is either obnoxious, depressing, annoying, terribly written/executed, or all of the above. Basically, if you haven’t figured it out already… it’s not my favorite thing. Continue reading

Essay: “The Band About Nothing – A Conspiracy-less Punk Rock Conspiracy Theory”

What do The Ramones and Seinfeld have in common? If you guessed “nothing”, you’re right. But not literally nothing… I mean, “nothing”. Get it? When The Ramones sang, “I don’t care about this world”, Jerry and George would have surely replied, “Not that there’s anything wrong with that”.  Continue reading

Essay: Cut The Crap (And By Crap I Mean The Grammys)

I almost spit out my V8 juice when I read the list of Grammy Nominations this morning. Sum 41 is nominated, Katy “William Hung” Perry is nominated for her worst song, dubstep is considered music in the “Best New Artist” category (in other news, the US Government also says that Pizza is now considered a vegetable), Eddie Vedder is nominated in the Folk Music category, the already questionable “Remix” category is literally mind-numbingly atrocious, and though The Rolling Stones have only received three Grammy Awards over a fifty-year career, the song “Moves Like Jagger” is nominated in just a few months. Johnny Cash knows what I’m talking about… Continue reading

5 Reasons To Go To The NEW Magic Monday

If you read our site often, you are already thoroughly annoyed by my love for a little party called Magic Monday. I believe I’ve covered it three times before, while it was running at my favorite Lower East Side bar,  St Jerome’s, so you might know a bit about it already. What you might not know, though, is that Magic Monday has been reincarnated. New York City club owner, writer, and overall leather-jacket-wearing-beer-drinking-LES-roaming-guy Luc Carl, has helped rebirth this party at his new decadent club, The Casino. For those of you that are nervous to make the switch from the St. Jerome’s Magic Monday to the new space, let me give you a little push. Dip your toes, my friends, the water feels real nice (No, really, there’s an indoor fountain/waterfall in the new club…). Continue reading

Playlist: Surfin’ Dead – Rock N’ Roll Halloween

Surfin’ Dead: Rock N’ Roll Halloween:

1. “Surfin’ Dead” – The Cramps
2. “Born To Kill” – The Damned
3. “The Witch” – The Sonics
4. “Buried Alive” – Black Lips
5. “Wicked Annabella” – The Kinks
6. “Pet Sematary” – The Ramones
7. “Scary Monsters (and Super Creeps)” – David Bowie
8. “Psycho Killer” – Talking Heads
9. “I Was A Teenage Werewolf” – The Cramps
10. “Frankenstein” – New York Dolls
11. “Dead Beat Dance” – The Damned
12. “Astro Zombies” – Misfits
13. “Sister Midnight (Live)” – Iggy Pop & David Bowie
14. “Dandy In The Underworld” – T. Rex

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Essay: Born To Cry

There’s no one more self-aware than a rock musician (except maybe a rock journalist).  It’s fucking exposing, to write about all of your one-night stands, destructive habits, mistakes, and heartbreaks in a three-minute song that could end up on pop radio or tattooed on some girl’s ribcage. Everyone says that when you’re a drug addict, you won’t admit that you have a problem, or that when you’re really mentally ill (I’m looking at you, Syd Barrett), you won’t ever actually realize that you’re crazy. Unless you’re a musician.

In The Velvet Underground’s “Heroin” and “I’m Waiting For The Man”, Lou Reed knows exactly what he’s doing. And so do we. And he’s incredibly blunt about it all (it’s arguable that the lyrical content of “Heroin” doesn’t necessarily endorse nor condemn the drug, but who are you kidding?). From beginning to end of Elliott Smith’s posthumous, sixth full length, From A Basement On The Hill, you can literally listen to his life deteriorating in a sickeningly honest way, eventually ending in his suicide during recording the album. The Doors’ “People Are Strange” is essentially a manifestation of Jim Morrison’s sociopathic, paranoid tendencies. His vulnerability and loneliness.  And on Are You Experienced?, Jimi Hendrix sings “Manic Depression is touching my soul”. Continue reading